Flushing out the negative thoughts.

I have to admit to everyone....I had a somewhat negative attitude tonight after I twisted my ankle inside the boot. Yes, I had to wipe away a few tears, yes I had a short-lived pity party, and yes, I felt and still do feel a little discouraged and angry. I'm frustrated that I cannot fully participate in the training right now, and while I am working to modify things (i.e. running through forms with modified stances), it just doesn't feel the same. I see everyone else busting their rears and then there's me on the sidelines trying to do what I can to keep moving when you're moving.

I feel like a pitiful dog that everyone looks at and thinks: "oh that poor thing...she's trying so hard to keep up." I don't really like attention, especially when it's pity. I know everyone on the DTD team is giving me positive energy, and no one thinks that way...it's just a negative thought that pops into my head when I see people looking at me walking with my boot.

My new nick-name has taken many forms: gimpy, limpy, gimp...you get the picture. I really don't like it. I'm also tired of talking about what happened. I'm tired of needing help.

I'm also worried. Worried that I'm setting a bad example for the kids (even thought KJN told me it was a good example when I stopped today instead of trying to keep going). Worried that I'm not going to be able to modify things enough, or that stuff will be too modified and not able to show enough of my knowledge and abilities to pass the test. Worried that I'm going to overdo it again and damage something permanently. The doctor was very serious when he told me not to continue training until after November; that my ankle was becoming seriously unstable and if I don't let it heal right this time and keep injuring it, I will eventually need surgery.

I know this is all coming off as very negative, but I think I really need to vent and clear my head so I can reset the positive outlook I've been trying to keep this whole time.

I know I can do this, and I know this is more of a test than I anticipated; I just have to keep altering my plan on how I'm going to tackle this obstacle without putting myself at risk of re-injury. I need to get mentally and emotionally prepared for Saturday. I've asked BSBN Cory to help me come up with some grueling conditioning things I can do without a lot of impact or pressure on my ankle.

"Life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it." Just keep thinking this way...